Forever in My Heart.

I’m writing this and I don’t even know if I am going to put this out but I thought maybe writing this and getting something down would help me, and if I do decide to put it out this could help someone else to know they are not alone. 

It’s crazy to have all these emotions about someone you have never met and will never get to meet. The fact I will never meet you actually breaks my heart, I won’t even know what you would have looked like. It breaks my heart over and over to know I will never ever meet you. Would your nose had been like your brothers?Would you have looked like me or your daddy? I have so many emotions going around my head I feel like it may explode. I won’t feel you grow, I won’t feel you kick, I won’t feel anything. Yet I feel soooooooo damn much. 

I am angry as hell but I don’t know who I’m angry at or what I am angry at. Myself? My body? Your dad? My life style? Was I doing too much? Was my body not a good enough house for you? Was I not good enough to be your mother? What did I do wrong? I don’t understand why I had a miscarriage, I cannot comprehend what’s gone on. What I do know is you have no idea how special you are. You saved your parents, you saved our relationship. We was fussing and fighting about irrelevant shit and you made us put everything in to perspective. 

I will never understand why this happened, I hope one day I will understand the emotions I go through day to day. Just know I will always love you....how could I not, you are apart of me, you made your mark on me kid. Also I want you to know I will do whatever I can to make you proud of me so up there you can brag and tell all the other little babies looking down over their mummy’s “yeah that one right there that’s my momma.” 

I love you forever baby x