1 Year Down a Lifetime to go...

I made it.... I fuckin made it, 1 year down being a mother and I have made it!!! This year has been one of the most testing years of my life. I have learned so much about myself and I have also realised there’s a lot of shit at 29 I still need to figure out. I legit feel like Bear Grylls though. For all of you that don’t know who he is, basically he’s some super intense ‘go out doors’ kind of guy. He loves to drink his own piss and prove that he can survive just about anything. He will purposely get himself lost in the middle of fuckin nowhere and drag some other dick along for the ride, so they can be lost in the middle of nowhere together. They both don’t shower for days but will be buzzing when they finally find a puddle they can wash their balls in. They eat random shit along the way and cannot go to the toilet in peace because they are out doors and have all sorts of animals & things sitting, watching them take a shit. This is literally what motherhood feels like to me; one big, giant game of Ultimate Survival! 

I literally just take every day one by one. To think two days ahead gives me anxiety, so I literally just try my hardest to survive the 24 hours I’m currently in. Monday to Friday I am just trying to get up, get my self & Hendrix ready before work and nursery without burning the house down. Forgetting about my cup of tea and dressing him quick enough so he doesn’t piss on my floor. (Fun fact! Since Hendrix has turned one and has got a little more confident on his feet, he loves to take his nappy off & piss on the floor. It doesn’t matter where, he will piss and then stomp around in it. I absolutely love when he does this). Then when I’m home from work and I have picked up Hendrix I’m just trying to get him sorted for bed without pretty much killing him. Between the hours of 5:30pm and 6:30pm he becomes the most annoying, crying, moaning little bastard to ever grace the earth. Nothing and I mean nothing will chill him out. Then once he’s finally in bed, I’m just trying to get myself in my own bed without falling asleep in the shower because I’m so tired. When I do finally get in bed, I feel so proud because I have made it through the 24 hours. We no longer have Leyanah in the week, it’s just the weekend’s as she is all grown up and has started big school. NOW Friday-Sunday is a whole new ball game because when they are both.  together it’s like they want to turn the assholeness up to the next level. I have Leyanah telling me she doesn’t want to get in the bath because she fell over on the first day of school and has a cut on her knee which means she can’t move, bend, touch, walk or bathe that knee ever again in life. The weekend have become 48hrs of Hendrix hitting Leyanah, usually because she’s took something off him. Ley limping around telling everyone what to do because apparently she’s the boss of this house and the pair of them leaving a trail of crumbs across the living room because Ryan thought it would be a GREAT idea to give them fuckin crackers.... crackers Ryan really? Then just before bedtime when I am on the edge the little assholes in turn will do something that will make me just for a split second think “aww I can’t wait to wake up to you two tomorrow.” 

Like I said though, I made it through the first year of ultimate survival. I haven’t ended up in jail and I have actually in that year managed to drink one warm cup of tea. Actually naw fuck you Bear Grylls, you might have drank your own piss and been stuck in the middle of nowhere with Barack Obama. However, have you tried scrambling eggs while trying to stop your one year old from eating a raw onion he’s just got out the cupboard, while your 4 year old is in the lounge having a melt down because the plaster has come off the cut on her knee that’s not even there anymore? You wouldn’t last 5 minutes in my (mother)hood Mr Grylls.

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