When Hendrix turned 9 months old and it was time for me to go back to work, because apparently the government thinks 9 months is enough time to have off with your child, well paid at least.... wait, let me just go on a little rant here for one second...
I get pregnant, cool. Then I have to work for as long as I want to (aka can afford to) whilst pregnant. I can work all the way up until my water breaks (Hendrix could be hanging out by his cord waving at my manager) BUT the second... I meant THEEEEEE Second I take time off to have my child the government thinks yeah 9 months is plennnnntttyyyy of time. 9 months... 9 months that’s it paid to have off with your child, who has literally just been introduced to this world and is 1000% dependant upon you 👍🏽. Anything after that we don’t get paid. Are you joking? I didn’t get my shit together as a mother till...I actually still don’t have my shit together! But 9 months to get to know this human I have never met before. To do do this job of motherhood a job I have never done before either. 9 months isn’t long enough, so whoever decided that 🖕🏽. ANYWAY sorry about that little rant, I just had to get that off my chest (I’m due on, sorry not sorry), so yeah at 9 months, when I went back to work Hendrix started to attend nursery. He’s been going for two days a week since but last Monday was the first week he would start to go “full time”.
When I got the letter through in September of last year I was so excited for us both, not going to lie mostly for myself. Hendrix loves nursery so I knew he would be okay with going full time. I was so excited for myself because I had not in two years had a full day to myself (unless I booked the day off work as a holiday and I did that once). I was super excited to start the gym with a proper routine and start working on my own stuff that I have been dying for some free time to start. I couldn’t wait to start blogging more regularly, I was excited to edit these videos I have filmed for you guys, shiiiiit I was excited to sit on my sofa and watch crap tv like Teen Mom and Just tattoo of us. Judge me if you want BUT I dare you to watch one of those shows and not get addicted. So basically for like 3 months I had been really looking forward to Hendrix going to nursery full time.
Then the day came, we woke up, I got him dressed and we made our way over to nursery. We get in there, now Hendrix never cry’s when he goes nursery, usually it’s like he gets in there, sees his friends and turns in to Danny Zuko the coolest kid ever. Won’t let me hug or kiss him, he basically looks at me like “bye bitch” and swans off to his little friends, leaving me stood at the door like Sandy SMH. However on this day it’s like he knew monday is fully a day with Mum, so why the hell has she brought me here? I go to say bye and he breaks down. Real tears and everything. So as you can imagine I was like WTF OMG Hendrix come here and was kissing him up. His teacher led us outside where his class was playing and she took his hand whilst I snuck out. I walked back to the car, got in and texted Ryan instantly. I was crying, I felt soooooo fuckin guilty. Am I a bad mum for leaving him? Am I a bad mum for making him go on a Monday? Am I a bad mum for wanting this time alone? I felt awful. Ryan talked me down from the ledge and then from going back in there & getting him. Reluctantly I left for the gym. I felt awful alllllllll day. The mum guilt was real!
I went back at 5 to pick him up. He ran to me & grabbed my hand, showed me the elephant & the cars he had been playing with, then he took me to the mat he had been doing some dancing on. Basically he showed me all the places he hadn’t given a shit about his mother all day. His teacher came over also to Inform me that after I had left he was completely fine and wasn’t bothered at all with my leaving. Brilliant! thanks Hendrix. I have been full of guilt and anxiety all day for leaving your ass at nursery meanwhile you have lived your best life.
This is the legit definition of mum guilt isn’t it?
All that mum guilt is normal unfortunately, it’s an absolute shit feeling to have. I basically think it’s the sign of a pretty bad ass momma. The fact that we worry & feel guilty, that we want to spend every moment we have with our little ones because we know how precious time is, makes us pretty fuckin awesome. However the fact of the matter is, we can’t be that kick ass mom if we don’t invest a little of that free time in ourselves. We should NOT feel guilty for wanting to go to the gym ALONE, for wanting to read a book in PEACE and wanting to have a piss without being asked “muuuuummmm what’s that”. Also I think time away is needed for everyone, so we don’t pull a Joe and go full YOU on our partners (if you haven’t seen YOU on Netflix this just went over your head...also if you haven’t watched YOU yet, YOU need to!!) but most importantly we need that little break sometimes so we don’t put our children in the bin, which they would probably deserve if we are honest.