I Have Post Natal Depression.

I have been so disconnected from everything, I have not wanted to be involved with anything, at times I have barely wanted to leave my house. I haven't been feeling like myself for a while now but I have been putting it down to everything that has changed in my life over the past 11 months. In doing that I have been ignoring the huge elephant in the room. It's crazy because I have the most perfect baby, I know all mothers say this because we kind of have too but Hendrix is perfect. He sleeps through, he eats EVERYTHING, he loves nursery, he's literally the happiest human being I know. Ryan is an amazing partner he makes me laugh, he keeps my belly full, I am so in love with him. Leyanah is growing into the most intelligent little girl. My family is “goals”, yet something is missing.

Outside looking in, you would never think I had post natal depression but inside looking out is a completely different view. This is what I think made my anxiety really intense. It came despite everything being so good, which lead me to wonder, why was I feeling this way? What was causing this ‘off’ feeling? In a weird way it would have been easier if something was wrong. If we had financial difficulties, or work was shit, or Ryan was being shit because then I could attribute my shitty feelings to something. This would mean I would have something I could focus on improving, causing me to feel better. However there wasn’t. This lead to confusion, which lead to self-doubt, which lead to frustration, which lead to anger, which was bottled up and eventually burst out. Depression doesn't have a particular ‘look’. You aren't able to point out how someone is feeling, especially if that person has tough characteristics. They will keep trekking on with life feeling how they feel…until they… eventually burst. Leaving that person with more questions than answers and still a lingering feeling of emptiness.

So here I am, finally sitting down at my MacBook and telling you all the god's honest truth….I have Post Natal Depression.

I recently called the doctors, took myself there and he diagnosed me with Postnatal Depression. I finally admitted to Ryan mid argument about something absolutely ridiculous, that I was struggling mentally but in actual fact I had been struggling for a long time. If I'm honest I was completely in denial about it. I just tried to tell myself I was feeling “off” because of everything that was changing around me constantly going back to work, Hendrix going to nursery, life in general..etc. I also naively thought that I could never be depressed, I'm too mentally strong for something like this to ever happen to me. Obviously I now know I'm a complete dickhead for ever thinking something like this. Depression doesn't discriminate and I am very aware of that now. I have just been trying for so long to hold my shit together and just “get over it and keep going” when in actual fact I cant get over it. This is not something I can simply just “get over” this is something i need help with. 

I was finding my anxiety coming back with a vengeance. I had suffered with anxiety ever since I got dropped from the olympic team (thats another story for another day), lets just say that wasn't a great time in my life. Everything and I mean everything was making me this anxious mess. I would go food shopping with Ryan and have an anxiety attack in the vegetable aisle because I just felt overwhelmed. Hendrix is currently teething and his constant crying would make me cry because I felt like I didn't know what to do. I was finding when Ryan was out the house I didn't like being on my own and I would have an anxiety attack at the thought of being home alone. OH GOD and if the house was a mess I would lose my fucking SHIT with Ryan for not helping me. If Leyanah's room wasn't sorted for her arrival from her mom's I would again freak out. I worried that Hendrix wasn't eating enough when he had just devoured his second plate. Don't get me wrong, these situations normally would be cause for attention. Especially as a mother, its almost second nature to worry about mess, food and being on top of it all. However, the magnitude of which my worrying levels would get to, how irate I would get in a split second and how unable I felt to manage the given situation in front of me was alarming. I was losing control…in a fucking vegetable aisle.

I just don't feel happy somedays, don't get me wrong I have my good days when I wont cry and I will be okay but then I will have my days when I just cry all day and don't want to be around anyone except Henni. The doctor offered me some pills to help me get back to my old self but I said NO, I am in no way taking the pills, I would just rather speak to a therapist first and sort out everything thats going on in my head. I have been referred to a therapist at the hospital in which I had Hendrix and if I'm honest I cannot wait to go and speak to someone that is completely impartial. I have a lot going on in my life and in this head of mine. I think it will be good for me to actually speak about some of the things that have happened before and after Hendrix to someone. I know this isn't something that is going to go over night, but I have patience and hope that I will feel like myself again. 

I wanted to share this because Postnatal depression affects 1 in 10 women and it does NOT discriminate....(Lauren shut the fuck up and stop bullshittin). The stats are fact, but that isn't the reason why I'm sharing this with you. I’m talking on this because it makes me feel better about it. I’m being able to speak on one of the toughest emotions I have ever had to deal with, without having to see Ryan’s face stare back at me, who despite trying his hardest to comfort and understand me, will just never get it. Without knowing that in me saying this it won’t lead to him, my mom, or my best friend move mountains to try and make me feel better. I can just share my thoughts and unload this weight on you. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware of how many other people this affects and I do genuinely hope this can help someone else, however this time, this blog post is for me. So I will go on to spread the positive message and let you know that you are not a bad mother If you have depression nor are you a bad person. However I'm mainly saying it because I believe if I say it aloud enough times, it will finally sink into my own brain. It is important that you seek help as early as possible, don't do what I did and “think” you can avoid this…YOU can’t. I am going to get past this, I am going to get better, August 29th is when I see my therapist and I guess the healing will start to begin…  

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