I am 17 months into this motherhood THANG and DAMN this momma life don’t get easier does it? Shit!!!! I feel like after a year and a little into this, I am still trying to find the right balance while still trying to find myself within the madness. I know there’s a momma out there reading this like gurrrrl, I’m 12 years in and I still ain’t found balance yet. It’s crazy, just as I feel like “yesssss LO you are starting to get your shit together”, I feel like I am getting ahead of everything. The washing basket is empty for 45 seconds and I have successfully drank a HOT cup of coffee one morning (that was a great morning...mmmmm) then BOOM Hendrix gets ill and we have to spend the night in hospital or I lose my shit over something tiny (I lost my shit the other morning because I couldn’t find my shoes for work, where the hell had I put the damn things... GUYS, they were on my FUCKING feet... do you hear me... the shoes I was looking for were on my OWN FEET!!) and just like that I’m back to square one. Will I ever find that balance? Will I ever feel like I’m in control again?
This past weekend I haven’t been feeling that well, I think I’m coming down with a cold or the dreaded man flu (that’s worse than the actual flu). On Saturday morning I woke up feeling like a bag of shit, all I wanted to do was stay in bed. BUT guess what, when you’re a mom the days of laying in bed and feeling sorry for yourself are well and truly over. At approximately 7:52am Leyanah came sprinting into my room like Usain Bolt telling me she wanted pancakes, in the lounge, with her babies, because they are hungry too and that she wanted them NOW! Honestly Ley is undefeated when it comes to early mornings. This girl can go to bed late, I mean wayyy past her bed time. Friday nights we let her live a little and stay up past bedtime, thats like her “Club LIV”, and we will get cocky as hell thinking “yessss she’s about to sleep in tomorrow”. NOPE!!!! This girl will get you up at the crack of balls taking about “LoLo Let’s go to the lounge and play” at 7am. Anyway after I woke up feel like crap you all know what happened next, Leyanah got her pancakes, I felt like a bag of shit all day, and NO-ONE cared because I’m a MUM and that’s basically life now.
This year though I am really trying to focus on things for myself. I think this is vital when it comes to the balance that I’m talking about. I am making a conscious effort to give myself a break. By break I mean ME time. What the fuck do I want to do? Leyanah wants pancakes, Hendrix wants EVERYDAMNTHING, Ryan wants To sit and have a poo for 45 minutes everyday.
(Sidebar: WTF is with that though? Ladies, Ryan can not be the only man that gets married to the toilet every time he got to go do a number 2! What are they doing in there? 45 minutes to shit? Are you all in there reading the back of all the shampoos? What is so great about shitting for that long? Your legs must go numb? I doubt any men are reading this but if you are, friends ellas please give us ladies an insight to why you all take so damn long to shit. Thank you)
BUT....WHAT DO I WANT?
I want to see more of my friends, I want to read more books, I want to work on my brand, I want to write more blogs, I want to film for my YouTube channel. These are the things I moan and say I never have time for, but this year I am going to make time. For example it is 9:15am on a Sunday morning, Hendrix is still sleeping, Ryan is entertaining Leyanah in the lounge while I am in bed speed writing this before the savage wakes up. BUT this is what I need to do more of, grab every little bit of time I get to myself and do what I want to do.
I used to think having me time would take away from Hendrix and Ley. That any free time I have I need to be doing something with them. I’m now realising this is what’s probably sending me crazy (aka wearing your shoes while fuckin looking for them). So I write this blog to say this, make sure all you mothers are making conscious ME time. I spoke about balance before in my ‘Sometimes you lose yourself...& that’s okay post.’ I wrote in that post about how balance is important and not to let getting knocked off affect you. Since this post I am dealing with getting knocked off balance a hell of a lot better. I’m realising now that being knocked on and off balance is apart of this whole journey of motherhood. I actually now don’t think we will ever find balance again in our lives, I just think we learn to deal with the unbalanced life because we are bad ass mothers and that’s just WTF we do.... okkuurrrrr gotta go, the savage is now awake!!! FMLLLLLL