I have been somewhat quiet on social media recently as I have been dealing with something personal. I’m not ready to talk about it yet, may never be, but that situation brought me all the way back down. I went on my girly trip with my best friend and we had a blast, but when I got home and I was caught in a shit storm of emotions... AGAIN. I found myself sinking back into a shit place and becoming very upset all the time. Yes, I mean back to crying in the fuckin bread aisle in Morrison’s. I started to feel extremely drained and it became a struggle to even get up and go to work.
BUT...when I get like this I try and remind myself that I always make it through and I’m a lot better off after. Trust me this comes after days/weeks of thinking that I’m going to be sad and cry forever. I genuinely do have an amazing support system, but I am realising every time I feel like this it’s ME, I need ME. I need to get myself through this, I need to be my own biggest support system, no one knows me like me. I find when the cloud of shit wonders over me I need to pick myself up the best I can.
What do I mean by this?
When I get down I find myself facing every situation very negatively, I think fuck work, fuck house work, fuck him, fuck her, fuck everything. I’m extremely negative in thinking and let’s face it, this isn’t going to do anything but make me feel worse. So I really, I mean REALLY try and check myself the minute I start to go down the yellow brick road of negativity. Don’t get me wrong this is so so so so hard to do; it’s so much easier to think negatively than it is to think positively we all know this. For example when I think FUCK work I ain’t going I’m staying in bed forever. I then think get your dramatic ass up and get to work because you have plans and goals you got up your sleeve and you can’t do that broke. Then I start to think of all the goals I have yet to reach and that is what motivates me to get my big ass up and get to work.
Crying though... crying really helps me. Before having Hendrix I tell you now I DID NOT cry (okay, I did sometimes but you know what I mean, I kept it gangsta a lot more often than I do now). I didn’t like to cry, I thought that meant I was weak BUT when I tell you the flood gates are open, I cry alllll the damn time. Seriously, I will cry at a toilet roll commercial for fuck sake. I have found though that when I’m in a shitty place crying and letting all that emotion out helps me to feel not as up tight and anxious. Poor Ryan, he is the person that calms me down when I’m hysterical. I mean that hysterical cry you do when you have snot coming out your nose and when you talk, you sound like a babbling hyena. Bless you Ryan Lewis that must be a sight. I also found filling my house with candles (I have said this before), and lighting them really helps relax me. I tried the whole fill your house with flowers thing, truth is I hate flowers they remind me of funerals sooooo that made me feel even worse (as you can see I’m a complicated soul). I don’t know what it is about a few candles burning that really chills me out, it could be that they smell so nice and no one can be angry when everything smells like pure joy. I also like to look back at my basketball highlights and my pictures of myself when I was pregnant, just to remind myself that this chick here crying while sitting on the toilet so the kids don’t see her, is the same chick that gave buckets on buckets on buckets. The chick that right now feels like she won’t ever smile again is the same chick that grew the happiest child ever.
When I’m in a dark place I have to remind myself of what I have done when I was in the light. This also helps me to realise that I have made it through 100% of the bad days I have ever had and that they don’t last forever. Obviously everyone is different so what may work for me may not work for you. Only advice I would say is find what makes you happy/brings you joy/smile and repeat, repeat, repeat!!! I am also here to speak to anyone that is going through a shit time. I’m not a professional but talking to someone can really help. I have certain people even some mommas on instagram I talk to (shout out @Jessica_Murray2018, you’re amazing). So DM me on Instagram @badgyallolo , my email is attached to my instagram, firstname.lastname@example.org again I’m by no means a professional (I don’t charge like one either) but I have two ears and I can empathise as best as I can. I have said this before, the shit times don’t define you at all.... keep pushing YOU got this 🙌🏽