Sometimes You Lose Yourself.... & That's OK.

My 29th birthday just passed and WOW...what a year 28 has been. I feel like I have literally been on a rollercoaster, my life has changed completely. I have carried a child (which was nothing like the movies), had the worlds worst birth (again was nothing like the fuckin movies it didn't take 5 minutes and I was cut open from hip to hip!), became a mother to the best little boy, moved in with Ryan and endured a lot of drama an bollocks along the way. The past couple of months I have been in a little bit of a funk. I can't quite put my finger on it or explain it but I can only describe it as not feeling like myself. I just feel like I have gone back to square one, lost all my confidence and feeling down. I didn't even want to write blogs anymore. I had zero motivation, I wasn't feeling myself at all and I couldn't put my finger on it. I also found myself being really snappy and angry at EVERYONE. I feel like sometimes I'm letting everything get on top of me and I'm drowning because I don't know how to pick myself back up nor do I know how to ask for help.  My anxiety has come back with a vengeance. I think it's because I have been anticipating going back to work which also means less time with Hendrix as he's going to be attending nursery for two full days. After spending 9 months with him day in and day out for that to just all of a sudden change was making me really upset. Anxiety was hitting in the face everytime I thought about it.  Hendrix going to nursery scared me to death, the thought of him being in the care of someone that isn't me. Who can look after my baby better than me? No one! It just seems everything is changing so quickly around me all the time and I can't cope. Adjusting to this new me is possibly the hardest part of motherhood. By 'new me' I mean the new body, the new responsibilities, the new unwashed shitty hair, the new working momma, less time with my baby boy, EVERYTHING. 

Obviously we all know by now Instagram and snap chat are just snippets of people's lives and usually only the good bits. People rarely ever show the shit days they are having on social media. I do try to keep it as raw an real as I possibly can, with the snaps of Hendrix shitting onto every item of clothing i have ever bought him, pissing on me constantly and my messy house. I don't show the times I'm looking at myself in the mirror and crying because I'm still trying to come to terms with my new stretch marked covered body. I don't show the times when I run in my bedroom to have a scream into the pillow because I'm just having a fucking shitty day or even when me an Ryan argue over bullshit, like taking the fucking trash out. I think when we become mothers we totally consume ourselves in our children, partner and home...we completely forget about ourselves. I know I did, which isn't wrong or right. After Hendrix I thought everything would go back to how it use to be... (well not completely I knew some shit would changed obviously), call me dumb but I didn't really realise how much EVERYTHING was going to change. I was so focused on getting back to the old Lauren, with the old Lauren body I wasn't focusing on the new and improved Lauren. Not to say the old lauren is gone forever, she's is just evolving and growing. 

I am learning that as Hendrix gets bigger and more mobile, the more shits he destroys and the higher up I'm having to move everything (I'm going to need shelves on the damn ceiling because of that child), I need to grow and adapt with him. As he enters a new stage of development so do I. This is motherhood. I need to work on adapting myself to all situations while continuing to work on me. So I have started to set little goals for myself; going to the gym, working on some projects I'm passionate about, seeing my girls for some girly no talk about kids time. I also think going back at work is a step on the right direction when it come to 'me time' Also, I am making more of a conscious effort on asking for help especially from Ryan. I like to think I am supermom but from time to time I need super dad to come in and take wheel so I can just have a few hours to myself, even if that's watching Coronation Street in peace with no screaming kids. This doesn't make me a bad mother. 

I just think we can get so submerged in motherhood we start to lose our balance and balance to me is key with everything in life, especially when you have kids. I think this is where I started to lose my way, I got knocked off balance. I am my own worse enemy sometimes. I let my anxiety get the best of me, I hold things in and I get so upset on my own behind closed doors. I won't speak to anyone, I will be upset about my body, upset about doing the majority of the house work, upset because all Hendrix has done today is cry because of his teeth bless him... but NO one knows that I'm losing my mind slowly inside. I have said it once and I will say it again, motherhood is the hardest job on the planet, but it is the most rewarding. I absolutely love being a mother, I just think I need to focus on remaining balanced when it comes to Lo the Mom, Lo the Girlfriend, Lo the friend, Lo the working momma etc. Not forgetting about Lauren the 29 year old Badgyal (the momma).